love letters and crossdressing "alien" gingerbread men

Yippee! Looks like photobucket is being good to me so I better take my chance to update. Even though Easter means a four day weekend, I'm a bit busy as with the next two weeks I have no days off, meaning I have to get to the city (and beyond!) every single day, and guess what? Cityrail has decided there'll be no trains from my local station for that entire fortnight! Bravo!

Whilst I'm dripping with sarcasm, remember the Agent 99 Cat Beanie? Yeah, I decided to fork out as a reward for hitting all my deadlines and ended up trekking to five different General Pants stores to no avail! More than half of them didn't realise what I was talking about too... Good work, GP.

On a good note, I've got myself an interview for a voluntary internship on Tuesday, so fingers crossed for me! Aand a future self-motivated project possibly in the works. Go Little Miss Motivated!

I hope you're all having a good Easter and that you've enjoyed a lot of choc!



Lone Chocolate Egg from D♥
He totally ninja-ed it into my bag along with a Vivi mag!



Random "Love" Pockys meant for D, but I kind of accidentally ate one...



D's surviving Love Pocky. I swear it will make it to him, filled out with embarrasing pet names and all!



Trip down memory lane! Am I dumb for not knowing that egg rolls are also known as love letters until now?



Perfect snack ♥
Random fact: I got to reference Vitasoy in an essay! Check this cute art exhibition: Banana: A Chinese American Experience



Gingy crossdressing wearing my new favourite skirt (thanks, Gmarket!)
Haha my mum totally came in and was like "Whaaat? Why is he wearing your skirt?"
"Uh... he's camping. It's a sleeping bag." >.>
"He can wear some of my clothes. They're kids clothes."
Okay, mum... ♥

On 愛

One of the very few things I've learnt how to write in Chinese (Traditional) is 'I love you' (我愛你). In fact, as I realised in a comment to Jess that this is the only phrase that I know how to write (side note: hopefully I can rectify this soon!). When I was learning to write this I had just learnt how to write 媽媽 (mum) and 爸爸 (dad) so in my child-like excitement, I scrawled notes to each of my parents telling them that I loved them.

I can't remember if any affection or happiness was part of their reactions, not that they would've been unmoved by the gesture. What I do remember is being told by 媽媽 to be cautious in my use of the word 愛. I must not use it so freely. I remember responding by telling her that she's my 媽媽 so what was wrong with telling her that? She conceded on that point although more so dismissing it so that she could continue stressing the importance of not using my newly learnt phrase.

Perhaps it's due to my growing up primarily Westernised that I'm more open with affection and my views on 愛 differ. However, I also think it's partly due to her views, her generation, her experiences, things that I'll never be able to understand — or at least things that will never reach me to the point of alteration. I'm glad for it. It's an important part of me — of great importance to me to be able to tell my family I love them, tell my closest friends I care about them (for this is the point that hits home to me in my grasp of this platonic love, and I don't use the term 'care' in a simple, superficial sense), tell the one I love how I feel about them...

Yes, I have different categories of love, and feel uncomfortable (and fake) using the word too casually. 愛 should not be used or given away too freely for like anything of value if given away too "much" it loses its value. Only in this case love (should be) is boundless in quantity and its not so much the volume, but given away careless or too freely... the principle still applies. What is the point of a word without meaning? It's not a feeling if it loses meaning. It's not a feeling if it means nothing, it's a lie.

I digress, but the point is I too have strong reserves about using this word, whether it be a cultural influence or another. Being who I am, as well as it being my life, I'm willing to take (shrewd) risks, although I heed my parents' warnings. I believe I have opportunities my parents didn't have and I am going to seize them for I feel that 愛 should play a bigger role in (everyone's) life. Everyone deserves 愛 and if there's anything I've learned from my parents it's that I cannot lead a loveless life.

Yesterday was my one year anniversary with D. I use 愛 with him against my parents' warnings, but it's my life. My heart (心). My choice. My happiness. It might not come easily, but it's something definitely worth fighting for, and this battle — this war, I vow to win.



This entry actually started out with three main purposes: to illustrate my encounters with perception of 愛; to commemorate one year of 愛; and to thank Jess and Kat for their support and 愛. So Jess and Kat, I love you both. Your support and understanding really means the world to me. Thank you.

Fragility

True to both people and experiences, its usually the bad that leave a lasting impact. It may look like a small scratch or a light bruise, but it can scar and leave internal damage without a real visible trace.

Today I've decided that I will make my encounters with positive experiences and good people count more, or at least as much, as their not-so-nice counterparts.

I had the opportunity to express my innermost desire to learn Chinese (either or both the Mandarin and Cantonese dialects) to friends today. One of my newer friends was very sweet and understanding, offering to teach me her native tongue. I have spoked this desire aloud a few times before, but rarely have I summoned the courage to actually assert it. I still didn't really explain my true feelings on the subject — I'm not sure if they'd really understand, but they made me feel a lot more comfortable with the entire thing. They were understanding and did not think less of me at all.

From this I have drawn a little bit of wavering confidence, and a little more courage. Let's hope this shoots can be strong enough to grow. I need to develop a thicker skin.

Let me try to explain. I have what I've dubbed the 'Chinese Inferior Complex', which has resulted from my lack of interaction with any Chinese backgrounded people in my life and snubbing by said people of Chinese backgrounds. I haven't had it too rough exactly, but I've never been the type to struggle with anything. Perhaps it's that I don't know how to deal with it. My ego can't stand the blows, no matter how feather light or unintentional, of failing, thus I have barely any courage, and zero confidence in my learning.

It's so bad to the point that when I fail, either in pronounciation or being understood (whether it be my fault or the recipient caught unawares by my out of the blue feeble attempts at Cantonese), I literally crumble inwardly. I feel my soul fall like a house of cards and the automatic reaction from shame, embarrasment and frustration is to cry. Like a child, I can't stop it. I know it's not rational, but I feel like I'm drowning and as much as I know tears are on the way and try to fight it, I fail. Unfortunately, being close to 21 years old from this I feel more embarrassment and shame, and it feels like a neverending cycle of negativity — my self confidence and self-worth regarding my Chinese-ness depletes.

This is way up there, right next to the importance of my family to me, and how much I love D. This sorrow and darkness feels as horrible to me as it did those times where D and I were facing our "breakup"s (that we thankfully didn't and couldn't go through with). I feel so horrible, so ashamed of myself with no confidence at all and can see no light at the tunnel — no way out. All I want to do is curl up — hopefully shrivel up in my bed and sleep forever to escape existence. To escape hurting and feeling.

I refuse to succumb to this now. I want to overcome this and be stronger because I know that this is silly. But how do you beat something in your mind that's psychological and so deeply implanted into you that it's not even a conscious decision?

All I know is that I'm not a quitter. I want to do this with all my heart and I will try my best to raise my courage and overcome this. Baby steps. This time I hope I can succeed, although I really don't think I can do this all by myself...

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

This year I have a sweetheart and of course I'm glad to, but whilst everyone seems to be swept up in waves of 'Happy Valentines Day!' (or even 'Happy Singles Awareness Day!'), I'm battling the tides, screaming, 'Kung Hei Fat Choi!!'.

When I first found out that CNY fell on February 14th, I admit I was a little put out. Not Valentines Day! Not my first, proper Valentines Day. Now, I'm almost glad. It's helped to keep me grounded and not cross over to the commercialised mess. Call me a cynic, but it's almost like mind-control — even worse, as corporations tell us how to feel. "Show affection now," they tell us (because I can't rightly bring myself to even type 'love' in the same sentence — whoops, I just did). Child's play. Painting by numbers. We're just following instructions. 'Money can't buy happiness', used to be one saying, whilst The Beatles crooned, 'Can't buy me love'. Have times changed? Or was it always this way on this twilight-zone kind of day?

Here's where I quickly become a hypocrite. Past midnight this morning, I wish D Happy CNY. He wishes me the same, and adds a Happy Valentines, plus the remark that I'd thought he'd forgotten. Perhaps... but I tell myself it's more so because I wasn't expecting anything at all on this day so unlike other days, yet I'm secretly elated and so very touched.

I'm sure if he realised as I didn't specify, but on Friday (knowing we wouldn't be together for "Valentines Day"), I gave him this.



Yesterday, I made him this.



Front



Inside - yet to be written in



Back

I had a discussion with a good friend, K, the other day concerning Vday and whether to particpate in gift giving, and if so what to get. We settled on not being extravagant, both feeling it was ridiculous, but to give a small 'fun' gift. The definition of 'fun' in this instance is something thoughtful and personalised, yet in the sense it's more of a light, joking gift — a silly kind of gift that I feel undermines the Seriousness and Importance that Vday has provided under its reign. I'm not sure if anyone else agrees with us, but this is my interpretation (I say 'my', as I can only be accountable for speaking for myself). On another note, D's and I one year is coming up in two days (Tuesday), and I'm planning to go all out — at least as 'all out' as time and money will let me. Too bad I'm still a little stumped in working out the details relating...


CNY Candies shaped like little pretend Fire Crackers

On to Chinese New Year! The Year of the Tiger!

In an unintentional lead up to CNY, I've been reading novels by Xinran (Miss Chopsticks, Sky Burial and The Good Women of China), which have left me feeling even more strongly connected to my heritage, to my homeland, to my soul. I feel so fortunate, so alive, so vibrant. It's a little overwhelming, and hard to put into words. Like being born again and having heightened senses, I know the secrets, pride and sisterhood of being a woman — being a Chinese woman; the power of love; a sense of justice and doing what's right; compassion because I am not blind or heartless... I haven't even begun to scratch the surface. Whilst Xinran has done a much better job of conveying China and its women in her way, she admits that the country is so wide, so diverse that there is so much she hasn't seen or heard, let alone covered. There's no way to encompass it all — there's not one truth.

As Lily Wu states in Going Home "I realize the true meaning of the word 'country' in Chinese. Country + home". In On the Smell of an Oily Rag by Ouyang Yu, he explains 'country' as 'nation family', he goes on to state his theory on how the learning of other languages, in particular English, breaks down the Chinese character, due to the difference in notions associated with meanings of words ie. the Chinese nation family versus the Western nation state. Whilst this makes me more determined to learn Chinese — I'm very interested in learning the individual characters and meanings that shape each word and/or phrase — I have to disagree a little. Although I don't know my mother tongue and have never been to my mother country, I feel that I — I know that I am still Chinese.

In both Lily Wu and Ouyang Yu's definitions (although definitions doesn't seem the most appropriate word to me) I take comfort. China is my mother country, it's my home — regardless of the fact I've yet to set foot there — and it is my family, as it is my family's family and as I am my family's family. These rights and this love that I feel for it, and I feel from it, and the way that it is and always will be a part of me, is unconditional, even if I am regarded as a black sheep by others. One day I will make things right as this is what I want to do — I want to learn, but deep in my heart I know that underneath it all, through and through, I am Chinese, even if I do fall into a tiny black hole of China that is undiscovered or overlooked.

Part of my CNY



Sunflower Seeds and Various CNY Candies



My efforts last night at channeling Hamtaro mastering Sunflower Seeds



Our CNY Eve Feast: Fish, Prawns, Duck, Two Soups, Chinese Vegetables and Roast Pork... and of course, Rice!

Note: This was for five people @_@ and this was my second feast of the day (feast, not meal). Are you starting to see how food is important to the Chinese? I had my third feast today (CNY lunch) and have yet to eat CNY cake... what's the bet another feast is on the cards? This is also only Day One of Fifteen?! Not that we take celebrating that far...

Kung Hei Fat Choi (congratulations and be prosperous), everyone!
Happy New Year!