Fragility

True to both people and experiences, its usually the bad that leave a lasting impact. It may look like a small scratch or a light bruise, but it can scar and leave internal damage without a real visible trace.

Today I've decided that I will make my encounters with positive experiences and good people count more, or at least as much, as their not-so-nice counterparts.

I had the opportunity to express my innermost desire to learn Chinese (either or both the Mandarin and Cantonese dialects) to friends today. One of my newer friends was very sweet and understanding, offering to teach me her native tongue. I have spoked this desire aloud a few times before, but rarely have I summoned the courage to actually assert it. I still didn't really explain my true feelings on the subject — I'm not sure if they'd really understand, but they made me feel a lot more comfortable with the entire thing. They were understanding and did not think less of me at all.

From this I have drawn a little bit of wavering confidence, and a little more courage. Let's hope this shoots can be strong enough to grow. I need to develop a thicker skin.

Let me try to explain. I have what I've dubbed the 'Chinese Inferior Complex', which has resulted from my lack of interaction with any Chinese backgrounded people in my life and snubbing by said people of Chinese backgrounds. I haven't had it too rough exactly, but I've never been the type to struggle with anything. Perhaps it's that I don't know how to deal with it. My ego can't stand the blows, no matter how feather light or unintentional, of failing, thus I have barely any courage, and zero confidence in my learning.

It's so bad to the point that when I fail, either in pronounciation or being understood (whether it be my fault or the recipient caught unawares by my out of the blue feeble attempts at Cantonese), I literally crumble inwardly. I feel my soul fall like a house of cards and the automatic reaction from shame, embarrasment and frustration is to cry. Like a child, I can't stop it. I know it's not rational, but I feel like I'm drowning and as much as I know tears are on the way and try to fight it, I fail. Unfortunately, being close to 21 years old from this I feel more embarrassment and shame, and it feels like a neverending cycle of negativity — my self confidence and self-worth regarding my Chinese-ness depletes.

This is way up there, right next to the importance of my family to me, and how much I love D. This sorrow and darkness feels as horrible to me as it did those times where D and I were facing our "breakup"s (that we thankfully didn't and couldn't go through with). I feel so horrible, so ashamed of myself with no confidence at all and can see no light at the tunnel — no way out. All I want to do is curl up — hopefully shrivel up in my bed and sleep forever to escape existence. To escape hurting and feeling.

I refuse to succumb to this now. I want to overcome this and be stronger because I know that this is silly. But how do you beat something in your mind that's psychological and so deeply implanted into you that it's not even a conscious decision?

All I know is that I'm not a quitter. I want to do this with all my heart and I will try my best to raise my courage and overcome this. Baby steps. This time I hope I can succeed, although I really don't think I can do this all by myself...